Header image
no-one will read it anyway....  
line decor
  Back to Blog Homepage    
line decor
Global Warming

There's no doubt in my mind that we're fucking up this planet in a big way. Greed and consumerism has brought us, as a Species, to the point where our arrogance at being at the top of the food chain means that we don't seem to give the slightest thought to the well-being of other lifeforms inhabiting the planet with us and we are happy to rape and pillage the planet to fuel our insatiable appetite for fossil fuels and silly 'precious metals' or shiny trinkets such as gold, silver, platinum and diamond - how primitive!

Countries and governments are self-interested and hypocritical. The Yanks won't sign the Kyoto Agreement, the Japs won't stop butchering Whales, the Chinks and the Indians just don't give a fuck about CO2 emissions as they are now the World's fastest growing industrial economies, many other industrial countries are playing pass the parcel with their nuclear waste and we're all prepared to go to war with each other to claim the last drop of oil (I'd take some convincing that the US presence in Iraq is nothing to do with oil).

Tesco and M&S charging us for plastic carrier bags and local authorities giving us lots of different coloured (plastic!) bins for recycling is nothing more than a gesture and it's too little too late. So we're fucked.... or are we?

The planet's resources are limited and it has been suggested by some of the less hysterical commentators - people who've actually studied the science rather than just jumping on the Al Gore bandwagon - that the whole 'global warming' issue is self-controlling. At the rate we're burning fossil fuels, the finite amounts available will be totally exhausted in a few centuries. If it's gone, we can't burn any more and any damage which we've done will gradually be repaired. Of course, this won't stop the feeding frenzy in the meantime and no-one (including me) wants to walk to work in the pouring rain while I can drive in the comfort of my gas-guzzling sports car. It also won't stop us killing each other and rendering one or two species of animal extinct in the meantime (lets hope that Homo-sapiens aren't one of them!) but eventually, everything will come good.

"I'll be just fine." says Planet

(with thanks to the Daily Mash - http://www.thedailymash.co.uk)

"If you don't mind, I've got some orbiting to do".

The planet Earth has dismissed claims it is in danger from global warming, stressing the worst that could happen is the extinction of the human race.

The Earth spoke out after a series of books, television programmes and environmental campaigns urged people to do everything in their power to 'Save the Planet'.

Earth, 4,000,000,000, said last night: "I'll be absolutely fine, seriously. I might get a bit warmer and a bit wetter, but to be honest, that actually sounds quite nice.

"Try living through an ice age. Pardon my French, but it's absolutely fucking freezing."

The planet, based 93 million miles from the Sun, said it was"sick and tired" of being drawn into arguments about human behaviour. "Look, I'm just a planet doing its thing, alright? If you want to live on me, that's your business, but I've got important planet stuff to do, okay?

"Try being in elliptical orbit for more than five minutes, or balancing your gravitational pull with a medium-sized moon. Let me assure you, it's no fucking picnic."

The planet said environmental campaigners should change their slogan from 'Save the Planet' to something more relevant such as 'Save Your Sorry Arse'.

Earth added: "Okay, so there may come a time when, for a variety of reasons, I am no longer able to support pandas, polar bears, and humans, but you know what? Life goes on. "Who knows, I might end up being a haven for toads."